Me: I have to go get blood work done for my thyroid. I think my levels are off again.
Her: What? Why?
Me: I have a thyroid condition called...
Her: You don't have a thyroid problem!!! People with thyroid problems are fat!!
Well, thanks, Friend. Twelve years and four doctors later and all I needed to do was have a glass of vino with you to know that they're all wrong. I do not, in fact, have a thyroid condition because WebDr says "You can tell a person has a thyroid condition because they will always be fat."
As you can see, this cat clearly has a thyroid condition.
Actually, I have countless labs, paperwork, needle punctures and have probably had enough blood taken to transfuse into two whole other adults, to know that I do actually have a thyroid condition. Specifically hypothyroidism.
Yes, ladies. I have that -ism that all you bitches go running to the dr to get tested for when you put on 10 stubborn pounds you can't take off. The one where if you express being exhausted at 2 in the afternoon, someone is going to ask, "Have you had your thyroid tested?" And God forbid you be wearing a sweater on a summer day (because it's cold in your office). Yep, you for sure need to get tested for thyroid disease. Hair is unhealthy, (because you bleach the ever living fuck out of it without tossing a deep conditioner on there occasionally). You must have thyroid disease. Feeling a little blue one day (because it's been raining for 6 consecutive days and you're about to start your period). That is most definitely an underactive thyroid.
No, honey, its the daily bottle of wine with buffalo wings that have perma planted 10 lbs on your ass. You're tired all day because you stay up till midnight watching Naked and Afraid reruns, knowing you have to be up at 6am. And you're cold because bosses are assholes who like to play games like "Can we make it snow in the office?" Your hair has probably been the battleground of home hair dyes and heat tools since you learned what Aquanet was, and everyone is pissed off while PMSing or during long bouts of shit weather.
Another obvious example of under active thyroid.
I have often felt like when I mention having hypothyroidism, everyone either wants it or thinks they have it too. People want a fucking medical excuse to explain extra weight or be tired. And while, yes those are two of the most common symptoms of hypothyroidism, they're not the only symptoms.
My condition caused a miscarriage. I've had severe depression. My hair has broken off and fallen out. (To be fair, I do bleach the ever loving fuck out of it, but I know what deep conditioner is and like to believe between colors, I bring it back to some semblance of healthy.) I have been so exhausted I passed out and forgot my child at school. Twice. (Each kid. Which actually worked out so neither can say, "At least mom never left me at school." Which they would because kids are assholes.) I'm cold all the time. Seriously. I wear a hoodie outside when it's under 90 degrees. I developed a jaundice like condition once because thyroid meds don't like to play well with other meds in the body, and my liver began to malfunction. In short, this is not fun.
Do I mention any of this to gain sympathy. Fuck no. Your sympathy won't change the fact that I have to pop a pill every day for the rest of my life. I actually don't care that I have to do that. I mention it because I feel like women don't understand that I don't just have to pop a pill every day for the rest of my life. That pill doesn't fix weight gain and fatigue. It just gives my body the dose of hormone my own thyroid refuses to make. I have to change my lifestyle and my diet to manage the thyroid issues. Many of the foods I love are not thyroid friendly, like peanuts and spinach. Ideally, a gluten free diet is best for those with an under active thyroid. But do you think for one second I'm giving up peanut butter or pasta? Hell to nah, sister. I just have to work out more and harder to manage my weight, and deal with the issues that arise from me eating known goitrogenic foods. (That sexy word means 'bad for optimum thyroid function'.)
And the way I look at peanut butter would make a normal person blush.
You see, to me anyone who even inadvertently wishes they had thyroid disease to release their own responsibility for their weight gain or fatigue is the equivalent of me wishing I had herpes to release myself of the responsibility of having sex on nights I don't feel like it. "Nope, sorry honey. Can't do the sex thing tonight because I think I have the herp. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow night I won't have it, but tonight I'm pretty sure I do." This is how ridiculous it sounds to actually want a condition to explain an unwanted, but self inflicted, side effect of your lifestyle. (Calm your tits, I don't actually have herpes. I'm trying to metaphor over here, please follow.)
No, ladies, you don't want thyroid disease. No more than I actually want herpes. What you want is a healthy, functioning body. And most of you have that. Even if it isn't at your ideal weight and needs an occasional nap. (And let's just be honest. Naps are the best fucking thing in the world. Who doesn't love to sleep. Sleep during the stupidest part of the day? Even more amazing. Thyroid issue or no, always sign me up for nap time.)
Oh, look. I found the problem.
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