Mr. Rogers Doesn't Live Here

   As a blogger, occasionally it's difficult to come up with material every week that's worth writing about, worth reading, or that can be made funny. Fortunately, my neighborhood's Facebook page gives me plenty to work with.

   Every neighborhood has one. A handy "group" page created just for residents of that specific community, supposedly to share neighborhood related and pertinent information. Upcoming social event at the park? Post on the page! New restaurant nearby that is amazing? Post on the page! New Bunco group! Put that shit on the Facebook page right now! That asshole driver in the red Toyota who cut you off? Oh....wait...Yeah. This is what neighborhood pages devolve into. The Bitch it Out forum. 

    You'd like to think that since these are people who managed the very adult activity of purchasing a home, there'd be a level of intelligence and maturity. And you would be wrong. The same asshats who are still protesting Target because of bathrooms and never miss an opportunity to comment that on Target's Facebook page, are the ones you'll find on your local neighborhood page. From driver shaming to bitching about the post office or issuing a warning to parents of shitty kids, the pages literally become and entire group dedicated to letting your neighbors know how much you hate them in the most passive aggressive way possible. 

   In my last neighborhood, I made quick friends (and enemies) with my no nonsense approach to nonsense. I would try to tactfully tell the dumbasses to stop being dumbasses.  Sometimes I was less tactful. Like when some braintrust asked why there were construction vehicles and barriers on the major road in the back of the 'hood. My response: "Ya know, construction." Because obvious, right? Wrong. This got me the Dumbest Message of the Year, when that same neighbor private messaged me to call me all kinds of super cool names like "cunt" and "whore" because I single handedly ordered said construction, and I was personally causing his foundation to shift and to be looking for a lawsuit. Sit down, Neighbor Ned. You're drunk. 

   

   When we moved into our new home last year, I resolved to make just friends in this neighborhood by being kind in all posts and ignoring the fools. I'm not the idiot whisperer, and if history has taught me anything, it's that those idiots tend not to see reason, even when reason is presented to them on a beautiful sparkly platter with flashing lights. Yeah, that lasted less than a year.

   However,  the lady who posted that she called the cops on a couple of 12 year olds who entered her garage, took a snapchat and left her garage, probably doesn't know she needs Xanax. I feel like I'm doing the whole community a favor when I point out that she could probably use it. When asked if anything was stolen, she responded no. Was anyone hurt? Again, nope. So, they were in your garage for, like, less than a minute and you called the police? She lost her shit and by the time the post was deleted, her story had evolved into the kids going through her shit for hours. By the way she was acting, you'd have thought these two kids had stolen her used panties and raped her guinea pig. I guess I should have known she wouldn't respond well to, "You are being ridiculous." But someone needed to say to her, "You are being ridiculous." (It doesn't help that I have a special hate on for anyone who says "My kid would never." Yeah, sweetheart. Talk to me when you're picking your angel up from the police station in 10 years. Karma heard you, loud and clear.")

   Then there's Last Word Guy. We all know him. If it's not you're annoying uncle who bores the family at Thanksgiving with all his useless "knowledge", then look on your neighborhood page. He's there. This is the guy who genuinely believes only his way is the right way, and will respond to everything, eventually resorting to snark. He. Must. Have. The. Last. Word. MUST. Don't even try to out-last-word-him. He will stay up till the wee hours of the morning just to be the last to respond. 

   My most recent experience with Last Word Guy was regarding pool chemicals. He commented that  nobody should let a pool builder talk them out of a salt pool. I commented, we've had both types and people need to do research and build the pool that works for them. He replied to me with a novel on the virtues of salt. Yeah, I'm not reading that, Stephen King. It's Facebook, not Barnes & Nobles. I again said, "People need to do research and build what works for them." LWG replied, "Good job point that out." I have your number, LWG. I know what you're wanting here, and I'm not biting. The debate raged on between two other neighbors with LWG checking in yet again, to say what? Everyone should do research and build what works for them. Gee, if only someone had thought to point that out. Oh, wait....

   However, quite possibly my favorite moment in pointing out stupid was the novel posted by a mother on how a possible pedophile followed her around Wal-Mart snapping pics of her 2 year old. When I agreed with another neighbor that Wal-Mart is a cess pool of degenerates and the dredges of society, Angry Mom asked where else there was to shop. This should have been my first clue she wasn't firing on all cylinders in that old brain cavity. I pointed out that both Target and HEB have excellent home goods departments. To which she responded, "Target? Where a pedophile can follow me in the bathroom?" Now, I could have let that stupid just marinate. But nope.  "Isn't this whole post about a pedophile following you around Wal-Mart in the open?"  And in the words of Jeff Foxworthy, here's your sign. 

   I've been told by people that they look forward to my posts/responses. So I guess my plan to be kind didn't work and I'm back to having both friends and people who hate me. But love me or hate me, at least they should respect me for keeping it logical. 

End note: This would be my own personal beef with my neighbors. Their kids are so loud. So so loud. But I refrain from posting my own bitchy rant on the page because it's part of living in a neighborhood, and I know this. So I do what everyone should learn to do: DEAL WITH IT!